I am full of rage.
I know this because I was off my meds temporarily this week. The rage spilled outward, and then it caved completely in on me.
I didn’t intentionally stop my meds at first. I had jury duty on the day that my psych appt was supposed to happen. I dealt with this ahead of time; I was to call in on my lunch break from jury duty to get my new prescriptions. However, they let us out early for jury duty, way ahead of lunchtime, and I forgot to call.
Now, this wasn’t the end of the world. I could have called. I have gobs and gobs of Effexor, which is alike enough to my Pristiq that I am able to take that until I can get my Pristiq. And I wasn’t out of my Latuda yet.
But I said to hell with it, what is the worst that can happen?
I know what the absolute worst that can happen is and that did not happen.
But now I also know what the second worst thing that can happen can happen: All the feelings that the medicines mask and help manage can come back full force, and I can blast that out to a lesser extent and more destructively, I can turn that rage inward toward myself.
It was probably the worst 4th of July of my life.
I am back on my meds (Effexor for now until I can get my Pristiq, and I have 8 days of Latuda left which should be enough until the office opens again). Jared hijacked me to come to Savannah with him and the little boys, and Porter is staying with my folks to work (his choice). We have a house sitter for the house and pups.
I wasn’t going to come to Savannah because hurricane and all, but the boys are thrilled to be in what they consider to be a fancy hotel. Even if they are playing PS5 just like they would at home. And I am grateful for the change of atmosphere.
I am already a lot better, and in some ways, I am glad to know there is still a lot of rage to deal with, and the extent that it is there, because medicated me is sort of numb to it unless I think hard about it, which I tend not to do. I do need to work it out in therapy.
But I am good with pretty much not ever feeling again like I felt like on the 4th of July. And if Latuda and Pristiq take that feeling away, so be it.