Written Friday morning:
I am officially making the decision to forgive 15-year old me for making a terribly bad decision to get involved with bad news.
As a codependent, there are just some things in my life that I will always deal with. One of them is feeling responsible for my high school boyfriend’s life and how it is turning out, which is not great. This, despite the fact that I have been married to someone else for 16+ years now.
I started to write about what trash he is (because while I hate to refer to a person as “trash….” I like to think that all people are redeemable at some point, it is healthier for me at the moment to remember that he is not my responsibility and to put some distance there). But, this is about me.
I have long fantasized that if only this person could get his shit together, then he could live into the dreams I had for him once upon a time. Even if it meant that we had long gone our separate ways and he went on to be with someone else, as I have.
This is about me, and my dreams. And, that dream needs to die now.
I have attempted to be a good friend to him in more recent years. He has proven incapable of reciprocating. I overlooked and overcompensated for those deficiencies, going back to the old feelings of responsibility. I have let myself get hurt time and again because he refuses to reciprocate my efforts at friendship. I am not sure that it is malicious or whether it is purposefully manipulative; it is entirely possible that he is literally incapable of true friendship.
I am responsible for myself only. I am sorry for the state of his life, but I am ready to move on and embrace my present reality: a reality which is full of love and care and genuine friends and family.
Written Saturday night:
Another asshole who used to have his way with me played Elton John when he was doing his thing. I’ve mostly let that one go, but one of the trigger songs came on the radio tonight on the way home and put me in a serious kind of sad mood. Thankfully, Jared knows exactly what to do to bring me back to present day. He found “A Knight’s Tale,” one of my all-time favorite movies. And Trixie, Porter’s dog, decided to choose me to tackle tonight while we watched the movie. So thank goodness, I can go to bed with a mind back in a peaceful state.
It is a season for being really gentle with myself. And, for picking up the camera for some true photo therapy.