Tampa really wasn’t as easy as I thought it was. And it had way more of an effect than I thought it did. It makes me nauseous that that man (and men like him) exist in the world. But, I know he is not unique.
And the sobering reality of the ex in jail since January has been hard, too. Not that it’s any of my business, but I cannot understand driving under the influence. Or running from the police and thinking you won’t get caught. Or lying to people. I cannot believe someone I was so close to once upon a time was capable of that. It brings to mind what a terrible judge of character I was when I was dating people, in general. That is not a 100% rule, as I did date some very stand-up guys. But in general, I was a creep magnet. Finding Jared (or more correctly, Jared finding me) was a matter of pure luck.
I mean, I shouldn’t be shocked that the guy in question is a criminal. He did multiple illegal things while we were together. He thinks lying is a way of life, a way to accomplish things and get ahead. He has multiple character defects.
But mostly, I cannot believe how unbelievably scared I apparently am of the world. It is a new realization, a new awareness. I am scared all the time to varying degrees, and I am barely aware of it. I have used rage and anger as a shield to protect myself most of my adult life.
I’d like to say my fear of the world (and in particular of men) started with the scary, manipulative high school ex. I really would. But it did not. It’s been there most of my life. I’m pretty sure I fell into the scary high school ex’s lap because I was an easy target. And I am pretty sure I know why that is, and it is something I will not be able to talk about publicly.
I am rededicating myself to getting our financial life in order. With the new house has come an incredible amount of lifestyle creep, lifestyle creep that was not healthy or realistic. We are okay, we just cannot put anymore on credit cards.
I am disappointed about the travel gig not working out because it would have been good money had I stuck with it. It was not a mistake to quit the travel photog gig. It would be fun to be able to carry that kind of schedule, for a little while anyway. But it’s been nice to reinvest my energies in my own business. The long hours of the travel gig were definitely not worth it.
I like to spend, but it matters very little what I am spending on. So, as an academic exercise, for the past week I have been spending $1-2 a day on credit card payments, as part of my morning routine. That has satisfied the spending habit. AND it has helped our finances. This month is so much better than the previous three months, money-wise.