One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

It’s been a rough week.

I had this idyllic picture of what summertime for our household would look like.  Trips to the museum, to the aquarium, to the park, playing at home…it was going to be great.  Then, reality set in.

Reality is that I’m on disability for a reason.  I have days when there is just more to the world than I can handle.  My May so far has been a prime example of the full cycle of my illness…a feeling of well-being so that I take on everything at once, then a crash through which I can handle nothing for days.

So, Liam has been back at his school all week.  The boys will go to daycare this summer at least three days a week, maybe more if I continue feeling the way I feel right now.

My psychiatrist was not happy with me at my last appointment, primarily because we’d stopped my Lithium for a while and now I’m back where I was earlier this Spring.  So, I’m back on Lithium and continuing my Abilify, Viibryd, and Wellbutrin.  Thank God he said that the Trileptal was pointless; I’ve been concerned about being on that the entire time, since I had that stupid rash on my hands when I first started it and there can be complications for people who are allergic to Lamictal, as I am, when you’re on Trileptal.

It’s exhausting, this constant up and down in my head.  Because of where I’m at in my treatment, I’m supposed to be keeping a constant check on my moods and that’s exhausting, too.

I’ve isolated myself for the last few weeks, partly because everyone in the household has been physically sick at some point recently.  But the isolation is also because I’ve been trying to sort everything out and it takes too much energy sometimes to be social and to deal with what’s in my head at the same time.

Here I am again, with the drive to stay in bed all the time and sleep my life away.


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