Ridiculousness: I’m Jealous

So…my poor Jared.  My poor, poor Jared.  That’s all I can say.

Now, you have to know Jared in person in order for what I am about to say to make much sense.  But, in my past dating experience, there weren’t many men I could really trust.  I married one of the very, very few men I could (and still can) completely trust to never walk out on me.  This man is true to me in every possible way.

And yet, I am finding myself jealous with him.  !!!  As the title indicates, it’s ridiculousness, pure and simple.

I’ve got plenty of male friends and Jared has always had his share of female friends.  But for some reason, the latter fact has started to bother me.

Hmm…

This worry warrants serious self-introspection.  What in the world is going on in my head that is making me jealous?

I was talking to a friend the other night about this (and yes, that friend happens to be male) and he said, “It’s crazy talk, Caroline.  Jared is never going anywhere.” (This particular friend is allowed to use the bad-word “crazy” jargon that I shun just about everywhere else.)

*sigh*

Yes, yes, I know my view of reality is skewed.  And yes, I know Jared is never going anywhere.  For some odd reason, he committed himself to me and he never, ever, EVER breaks promises or commitments.  I know one of the things he takes most seriously is his marriage vow.

Which brings me back to…why am I jealous?  Do I take that vow as seriously as he does?  Is this my subconscious saying, “Hey, are YOU looking for something else?”  Because that’s what this all really screams at me…it points me back to my own insecurities with myself.

Yep, I’m insecure.  I was insecure as they come when I met Jared.   It’s gotten better over the last nearly nine years, but those feelings are still there.  After all, if I could step out on a seriously serious long-term boyfriend as I did long ago to another man, what’s to say I couldn’t do the same to my husband?

I’ve actually played devil’s advocate with Jared about this on many occasions throughout the time that I’ve known him.  It always comes to him looking seriously into my eyes and saying, “I trust you.”  And then I say something like, “Yes, I know you trust me, but, he trusted me, too.” And the argument goes so on and so forth.  And eventually he’ll play the, “you’re a different person,” card.

But, I’m not a different person.  I’ve grown, it’s true, and I’ve got serious regrets about the way I’ve treated people in my life in the past.  But, I’m still that same person I was a long time ago, that same person who ended up in some serious romantic drama.

*Sigh*

Yep, it’s all about me, as usual.  My Jared and his female friends are definitely not to blame on this one.

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