Messes and Monitors and Beads, and… Oh. My.

So, I drafted this post as I attempted to clean up the hideousness that is our current living space.  Every single corner has either dog fur, or a toy, or a book, or some other something-that-shouldn’t be there.

As I see it, I’ve got three days to whip this place into order before welcoming my brood home to stay with me during the day and after school.  Yeah, I know they live here and they see the mess every day.  But it will be nice to have a fresh start.  The mess is better after filling up 5 bags of trash (!), but still not good enough for the after picture yet.

I’ve been wearing this heart monitor thing for 48 hours and, YIPPEE!  I just got to take it off.  A couple of weeks ago when I had bronchitis, I had no fever but my heart rate was up to as high as 120 at times, resting.  So, there was a referral to a cardiologist.  The appointment with the cardiologist went well; as expected, my blood pressure was on the low side of normal as usual and my resting heart rate was back to its normal 60s range, with a “picture perfect” EKG, I was told.  But to be safe, they put me on this monitor thing to see what happened over 48 hours and let me tell you, this thing wasn’t fun!  The worst part, really, besides yanking the little suckers off, was not being able to take a shower for 48 hours.  (TMI, I know.)

I made some more lampwork beads this morning and I’m just about beside myself as they’ve actually been annealed at home!

The flashbacks of feelings gone by are bad today when I stop doing stuff and just sit to rest.  I’m not even listening to sad music at the moment.  I know I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD but I really have a hard time identifying the symptoms and setting aside the symptoms from just plain old nostalgia.  But today, I have the feeling that it’s more the illness than anything else.  My mind is…I guess it’s just plain spastic.  So, I’m going to fearlessly vent here for a moment about where my mind’s been all day today.

As much as it may seem like I am willing to just put everything out there, there are several things I have a hard time even putting into words.  Like, my anger.  It’s deep-seated and I’m working on forgiveness, but it’s a process. And there’s the stupid paradox, like there are people who have been really bad to and for me, yet I  would do just about anything to repair the relationships.  Even Old Man Predator is on that list.  He’s been on my mind for a couple of days and it’s driving me nuts.  He has no right to occupy any of my attention for any moment.

Yep, that’s where my anger is today, at Old Man Predator.  I want an apology that will never come.  He knew better.  I was psychotic.  That’s all there was to it.  Good grief, he was sent by the campus police to check to make sure I was okay and he took advantage.

But as I said, that’s an apology that will never come.  I’ve got to find inner peace without that particular piece of closure.

I’m working on it.



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