Feedback for Monitoring Illness

As I said in my last post, I have my own self-checks that I can do regarding my illness, but for the really scary psychotic symptoms, I have to rely on other people to tell me how I’m doing.  I see my therapists enough that we all hope they’ll notice something is off before the general public does.

But how’s that for a hearty lack of self-assurance?  Therapy twice a week works to help head off a major breakdown, but it also serves as a check-in with those who have seen me at my, well, craziest, though I don’t use the word often.  At any rate, I still grapple with the fact that those same people who are there to help me get past my issues are also doing a check on my mental capacity.  It’s for my own good, I know.  I even enjoy my time with my therapists.  But there’s something about the very fact that I have to go that makes me feel ashamed.

There, I said it.  I’m ashamed.  I’m ashamed and I’m scared another psychotic break is just around the corner.  I’m waiting for it to happen any day.  In my mind it’s a question of when, not if it happens.

The shame comes from that stupid societal stigma, though….

More on this later.


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