I have a hard time taking care of myself or my surroundings anymore because I don’t take pride in myself a lot of the time.
There, I’ve said it. I don’t take pride in myself.
That’s my single-largest demon these days that lingers from my terrible depression that’s almost under control due to the Viibryd and I would argue (as would at least one of my therapists, I suspect) one very, very good reason for not returning to work just yet. For years, I gained my self-worth from whatever job-title I had.
So in the midst of dealing with my illness, I’m trying to reset my self-worth and identity.
My self-worth has to come from within. I know this. For me, this difficulty in achieving a healthy self-worth is part of my psychosis, my not-healthy me.
I’ve got to start somewhere in rebuilding my pride and self-worth. I’m starting by reminding myself that I’ve done some very cool things that are not related to work. I’m posting them for the world to see.
Many people are protesting SOPA and PIPA by taking their pages down. I’m protesting by sharing more of myself than usual on this page.
Let’s start with this one…I married this wonderful man, my J.
He’s done tons of things (leading camel treks being one of them) and is the smartest person I know. And, he asked me to marry him! I love you, J. You light up my life. I don’t tell you enough how lucky I am to be your wife. He’s a blessing enough to make me proud of my life.
And together, God forbid, we created this one (and his amazing brother, not pictured here because he was in school when I was taking pictures)…
Rock Steady is not like anybody else in our family. I see bits and pieces of myself and J in Be-Bop, but Rock Steady… Rock Steady, I suppose, is a tad like I am now, but nothing at all like either J or me as we were as kids. I suppose I should thank God for that, and I do, though it’s hard to do so when he’s pitching a royal fit. Right now, we’re on the cusp of fostering either a great leader or a bully. Let’s hope for the great leader part.
And then there are the material things in our household that make me happy. I’d be lying if I said they didn’t make me happy. And I can show some of them off even in the midst of the mess (really big mess) that is the house.
That’s glimpses of what I see every day in my home.
Seeing it in pictures reminds me: I’m so very lucky to have the life that I lead.
As much belly-aching as I do on this blog about my moods and my illness, I really wouldn’t trade having bipolar disorder for anything else. That sounds strange, doesn’t it? Now that I’m (almost) stable on my medication and therapy, life is really pretty good aside from self-worth issues. I don’t know life any other way than through the lens of my illness. I get bored sometimes now, which I take as a good sign. I should get a little bored since I’m not watching the boys full-time and I’m not working.
Maybe the answer is that I need to take more pictures. Photography is making me happy these days, at least with my new camera.
Did I mention that I got a new camera?
Oh yeah, I got a new camera, just before Christmas. I should definitely be using it more often.
It’s a Sony Alpha Nex 5N. Fancy! I love, love, love it! It’s a mirror-less interchangeable lens camera but holds like a point and shoot. Basically, it’s marketed toward people like me…I wanted something different than my point and shoot but I don’t know how to handle a DSLR. This camera came with an 18 – 55 mm kit lens. I still use Pixelmator for fancying up my shots even more and for creating effects. But the shots are decent on their own.
Here are some more shots I took with the new camera, just because:
Let’s just say that the camera takes very nice pictures and I’m very happy with it.
While I’m on the subject of pictures, Be-Bop and Rock Steady got cameras for Christmas. They took some really funny pictures, too. Mostly, of people making funny faces at them. I will spare my family embarrassment by not posting them here. However, here’s one Rock Steady took of Be-Bop, while Be-Bop took a picture of him…
Enough rambling for now.