Odd Dream Last Night

I feel compelled to write about this odd dream I had last night.

I dreamed we still had our Grinnell house for sale and that a good portion of our belongings and furniture were still there.  I dreamed that in the four years we have been gone, Grinnell has evolved into an entirely different community, exactly the kind of community where I could thrive. But in my dream, the house we had for sale was a funky combo of the house we actually owned there and J’s first house there…the dream house was a much better fit for us, both in layout and location.  I dreamed J’s old job was available and offered to him and that we just up and decided to move back.  EEK!

Now, there are several things I do actually miss about Iowa, in my version of reality at least.  I miss the people we knew there, though a good number of them have moved on to other opportunities.  I do miss my little house; it had tremendous potential and I put a lot of work into it while we lived there.  My yard was perfect and for the first two years we were married, J brought me flowers more often than not simply because the flowers were in the yard for the taking.  We had daffodils, irises, roses, lambs ear (not a flower, but beautiful nonetheless)….it was a  beautiful yard.

We had a really special family doctor who shut his practice down to ride the 70 miles to Iowa City with me when I went into labor with Be-Bop, because he “knew what could happen out there.”  He was  our general practitioner, my OB, and J’s therapist all in one.  He was the one who advised J to get me home to Georgia ASAP when things were particularly bad between us and I had, no doubt, threatened to leave once again.  He was a gentle medical professional who genuinely cared what happened to us…That Saturday, when Be-Bop was two days old, when they told us Be-Bop had a visitor in the NICU and we knew no one else aside from family whose plans were to come later, he was there to see us, to make sure both baby and I were okay even though we were not technically under his care at the time.

I miss our church in Des Moines as much as I love our church here.  They treated us like family from that first “get to know you meeting” and I never, ever thought I’d feel as at home in a very large church as I did there in those short six months.  Not only was there a thriving bell choir, there were two…one for more advanced ringers and one for average ringers like us.  They welcomed us with open arms.

People got to know us and they celebrated tiny Be-Bop’s milestone triumphs right along with us.  I will never, ever forget that beautiful, cold, still February morning with the state practically shut down due to that awful blizzard, and 30 or so of us in that large santuary, as Be-Bop got baptized so far away from home here.  Our pastor baptized him just as if he would grow up as one of that community’s own, even as she must have known exactly how close we were to skipping town to move to Georgia.  Be-Bop was so little and I was so mad at God and the world and, even so, that service cut right through to my hardened heart.

Those were some of the good things I miss about Iowa.

But I was horribly homesick and unmedicated.  I actually had a panic attack and ended up at the Grinnell ER only to be dismissed: “27 year old females do not have heart problems.”  The blanket statement may be true but I know if I’d been here there would have been some type of psychiatric referral.  But there was one psychiatrist for the area and it would have taken 6 weeks to get in to see him, even if I hadn’t had a severe aversion to treatment at the time.  The social worker that J did convince me to see just told me repeatedly that I was too hard on myself and that I should take it easy.

The distance away from family was terrible, and more often than not it was us who did the traveling when we did see family; we only had one set of J’s friends visit once, right after Be-Bop was born.  It was a terribly isolating experience and, though J just chalked it up to being what living far away from family and friends is like, I got angry and took it very personally that we were the ones making the effort to keep up old relationships.

I told J earlier this morning about this dream that I had last night.  He chuckled, but I know it was with some cautious trepidation because I know he dares not look around for other opportunities outside our current community, with any real seriousness anyway.  This is home for me and it always will be.  But I know J is limited here and I want our boys to be exposed to other parts of the country too….as I become more and more stable, I’m interested in seeing and living in the outside world again.

This dream had terrible timing.

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