The Double Edged Sword

As I’ve written about a couple of times now, I was approved for Social Security Disability.  It’s official; I received access to my online profile on Saturday.

It’s still a shocker to me that I was approved at the application level.  I’ve done some reading about the qualifications, under bipolar disorder, and I did, indeed, fit the rules.

I’m happy about it, I think.  I’m ecstatic about the fact that I was able to take Rock Steady to his school this morning.  He’s been attending his school twice a week but now he will go five days a week.  He needs this routine, he really does.  Rock Steady is like a different child when he’s got the routine and discipline and socialization of his school playmates and his teacher.  I’m so happy for him about this.

We will be able to pay down our debt now, which is pretty substantial.  That’s really important to both J and me.  I’m really, really excited about that fact.

As a bonus (or more like a consolation prize because I’ve been fretting A LOT), J let me splurge with some of my back pay last night.  Confession:  I’m more than a little embarrassed to say that I’m typing this on my new MacBook Air.  Merry early Christmas to me!  My old computer died after being resurrected a couple of times back in August or September and its replacement was a little netbook whose memory I filled up pretty quickly.  Now I see exactly why people didn’t understand why I wanted that little netbook; I was just completely ignorant as to the real difference in power and memory.  Despite the conflicted feelings over the reason we were able to get it, I am excited to have something completely portable, with a long battery life and with much better screen real estate.    Barely 18 hours after purchase, I am a solid Mac convert.  I also got Pixelmator, which will make life much easier as I still take pictures with my little Kodak Easyshare.

But…what do I do with myself now?

There are no good answers to that question right now.

This morning, I am writing from a local coffee shop.  I’ve had enough therapy to know that isolating myself in the house while the boys are in school is not going to be a good answer.  I also know that I’ve got to establish a good routine for myself.  But the routine I established while I was in outpatient at the Local Friendly Mental Ward was built back when I thought Rock Steady would be home with me three days a week.  So, I’ve got to work on something else.

I intend to volunteer and go to church Bible studies and there’s plenty to do after 2:30 each day, which is when the boys will be home each day.  But I know myself…if I stay at home much between 8:30 and 2:30, then I’m going to be feeding the depression.  I will go to bed and stay there.  Despite my best intentions of doing housekeeping sorts of chores, more than one day a week of that will throw me back to bed.  I cannot afford that.  Things are complicated by the fact that mornings are my “good” time, and I’ve got to figure out a way to keep my moods up such that afternoons are not such a struggle.  The boys need me to be my best in the afternoons, but right now I’m at my best in the mornings.

This disability thing is really a double-edged sword.  My pdoc told me it would be, despite the fact that he wholeheartedly supported me in the application.

I will make the most of this, I really will.  Anybody have any suggestions?  I’m open to listening to them.



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