“You are Disabled”

I got a letter in the mail from Social Security yesterday telling me that I meet the medical requirements for disability payments.  But it also said they have to decide whether I meet the non-medical requirements, and that they would make a decision soon.

It’s a sort of limbo, this waiting, really.

It was a sobering experience to see the evaluation results and to read the words, “you are disabled.”  I mean, I know I have limitations.  But it’s still a hard thing for me to accept that my mental illness is so disruptive to my daily functioning that I can’t even hold down a job.

I suppose 19 periods of employment vs. unemployment in ten years is pretty hard evidence that I have a hard time holding down a job, too.  And there were 6 medical reports on me, dating back to when I was 17 years old.

I’m not counting on an actual award letter until it comes in the mail.  For now, I’m just swallowing the fact that an agency who evaluates these things on a regular basis has said to me, “you are disabled.”

It makes me wonder what, exactly, my doctors and therapists said to them.  And, what my long-term prognosis is.  Whenever I’ve prodded my doctor about it, all he’ll say is, “We’re working against the clock.”  Whatever that means.  I suppose it means we’ve only got a limited amount of time to work with before I could collapse into another psychotic episode.  He did say that the last one could have killed me.  But I don’t know what he meant by that, either.  A stroke?  Suicide?  What?

“You are disabled.”  Still coming back to those words.

At any rate, Social Security agreed that my diagnoses from 2010, both bipolar disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder, are correct.

I’ll spare you my lament about my need to rely on a government assistance program.  I’m not happy in the least about it.  But I’m not going to be silly, either… it’s really about quality of life for my kids, in my case.  They’re better cared for out of my care during the day.  If awarded payments, my children will get the quality childcare they deserve.  That’s what matters to me.


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