Remembering Me

This picture was taken when Be-Bop was a little over a year old.  At that point, I was working full-time, doing my yoga every morning (a routine I carried on for six years), eating a solid breakfast, and generally enjoying life.  Granted, I was untreated in my mental illness, so there were problems.  But I had a routine and that helped a lot.

When I was younger, including the time when this picture was taken, I had to have something to eat within the first thirty minutes of waking up or I felt sick.  On the new stimulant, which I took for the first time this morning, I am going to have to have something solid to eat within the first thirty minutes of waking up or I am going to get sick.

The new stimulant is Ritalin.  So I am now on Ritalin (which helps me wake up), Trileptal (mood stabilizer), Effexor (antidepressant), and Abilify (another mood stabilizer, antipsychotic, and in my case, another antidepressant).  Trileptal and Abilify also help me fall asleep.

Have I mentioned that I hate taking meds?  I absolutely detest it.  My dose of Trileptal is down but the Abilify dose is up.  I sincerely hope that the energy I’ve got with one dose of the Ritalin is completely psychosomatic.  I’ve read about the dangers with stimulants and I want to be on this particular medicine for as short a time as possible.

I don’t know if it’s my personality or my illness but I have a highly selective memory.  At times I can completely forget how good it feels to be up and active.  There are times in my life when I completely forget what a good life I’ve got.  This depressive episode is not like others I’ve experienced.  With the other episodes, I have generally always pointed to causes outside of myself; something was wrong in my life to drive me to the bed or whatever.  With this episode of depression, I can recognize that I have a fantastic life.  I can remember how good it feels to be up and moving.  I just haven’t had the energy to do anything about it. 

I’ve now got a glimpse of the person I used to be:  an early morning person.  It’s 7:33 as I write this and breakfast is ready for the boys and they’re not even up yet.  This morning I had some journaling time before I came down here to fix breakfast and to write my post.  This morning I did some mild stretches.  When I finish writing this, I will do some of my favorite morning yoga routine.  This morning I actually feel like taking Stella for a walk.

I sincerely hope this amount of medicine is a temporary fix to get me through this depressive hurdle.  A medicine to help me wake up and a different medicine in a high enough dose that it makes me fall asleep seems pretty extreme.

For those of you who have expressed concern, I am back on my therapist’s calendar.  After over a month of no therapy (by accident; she had to cancel and I never rescheduled), I have decided that this long of a time without someone to talk to will never happen again.  I also have a new group I will be going to as I have severely missed group therapy.

As for the meds, I am at least a shadow of the person I aim to be this morning.  I call that success.


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