I am laying here listening to my children running all through the house, having a good time getting ready for bed.

I don’t need to get ready for bed; I have been in bed all day.

Today was a bad day.  It started off bad, oversleeping for Be-Bop’s teacher conference.  J has been gracious enough to take care of everything; he always does.  

I don’t know what I want to do with my life but I want to be happy.  Even aside from the depression from my illness, I don’t feel happiness in my life.

I know what most of you would say:  be grateful for what you’ve got:  a nice home, a wonderful husband, beautiful children.

But I lack an internal locus that keeps me centered.  I don’t make decisions easily, I don’t know what i want.  From what to wear to what to do for work, I struggle with every single decision.

I’m a terrible mom.  I’m a terrible wife.  I’m a terrible friend.

It’s days that make me ponder the meaning of existence.  There has to be something more than this.

I suppose there will be something more come Monday; for better or worse; I return to work.

One response to “>Bad Day”

  1. >Caroline, I've fallen out of touch with you over the years (we were friends on a Babycenter board back in 2005) but I just read your blog and your post made my heart ache. You are NOT a terrible mom, you can't convince me of that. Please don't do that to yourself… I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I do know first hand what a serious depression can do to one's ability to function and be a good parent; I also know that the self-hatred can pile up and make it nearly impossible to believe anything else about oneself. Just try to be gentle with yourself, know you are doing the best you can, moment by moment, and hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Much love,Sandra

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