>Rebel, Me, Bipolar


I’m trying hard to purge myself of thoughtless actions and purposeless relationships.  This, in the midst of dealing with the fallout of my high level of self-awareness in my illness, according to my therapist. 

The PTSD is officially in remission.  I may have mentioned that.

So clinically, I’m doing really well.  A couple of impulsive actions (getting a dog, getting a tattoo), neither of which are self-destructive or completely financially devastating, is a pretty good track record for this round of hospital contact.

It’s tiring having every action critically monitored for signs of illness, though.  How does bipolar disorder affect my life?

–It affects my schedule completely, down to when I have to go to bed and when I have to get up.
–It will be affecting how much time I can work.
–It affects every single relationship I have, both in my reaction to that relationship and in that I have no idea what preconceived notions a person may have of bipolar disorder.  In 2010, I lost around about ten friends.  So far in 2011, I have already lost one friend.  I continue to be surprised and heartbroken by nine of the ten in 2010.  There are strained family relationships
–I have to take three medications twice a day, for the rest of my life.  Medications that affect my sleep, my mood, my personality, who I am.
–It sometimes affects my ability to concentrate.
–It sometimes causes me to have delusional thinking episodes.  Severe delusional episodes, usually with some iota of reality base that people sometimes dismiss because of the severity of the actual delusions.
–It affects my self-esteem, because I feel defective.
–It affects my energy level.
–It affects my image of myself.  Though the therapy says “I have bipolar disorder,”  right now I am still at the “I am bipolar disorder” stage.

I am feeling down tonight, for reasons I don’t want to blog about.  Good night.

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