>"It’s Them, Not You…"

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Hmmm….I know all the right answers in a therapy group but in real life, I freeze and don’t even form opinions, my self-esteem is so low.  There are a thousand reasons this could be the case.  I don’t care why anymore, I just want to get past it.  If you know me and I’m quiet around you, this is why.

J says I look down and look disinterested whenever people speak to me.  He says this discourages people from wanting to engage me in conversation.  I know he’s right.  But again, it’s that damn self-esteem thing.

Plus, my “hierarchy of trust” is all messed up.  Instead, I seek out people who are toxic for me, ignoring or under-valuing the wonderful people who have reached out to me.  Trouble is, I don’t really know how to judge who is trustworthy and who is not.  In the past, I have put all of my trust into people who were extremely untrustworthy.

A week or so ago, my therapist and I had it all mapped out as to why I seek out people who are unhealthy for me to be around.  The discussion actually started around negative core beliefs and worked its way there.  And somehow, the timeline seemed to click for her and it made me feel some better.  So I’m developing this little alternative voice in my head saying, “It’s them, not you…”

Today is a down day.  So I’ve got my Canadian Tenors channel going.  On days like this, forget taking the trash out.  Forget doing dishes.  Forget doing laundry.  Forget paying attention to the children, that becomes Jared’s job.  I’m biding my time until my therapy session tonight and then yoga.  It’s J’s job to look after the kids on days like this.  I did manage to take Stella for her walk and played with her for a lengthy bit of time, which is monumental for a day like today.

I want a pretty blog.  Maybe I should transfer over to the Ticklethesun.com site.  That’s a more cheerful name, anyway.


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