wishing upon a star

On A Statement of Purpose

June 9, 2013 by Caroline E. Price Leave a Comment

I posted this picture of Liam because it always cheers me up and I can use all the positive energy I can create at the moment. My little dip into the past in writing the last post was destined to stir a variety of emotions. I knew it when I was writing that piece.

I’m grateful for that stir of emotions because it has spurred me into action. I will not play the victim anymore. It doesn’t create the peace I crave and it doesn’t create, well, anything good.

I’ve spent the much of the last twenty-four hours reading a lot and I’m only really just getting started. I’m determined to move into a state of looking forward with productive goals which will serve me well, rather than looking to the past with regret and shame and fear-creation.

My truth has been that I’ve spent most of my life looking backward in time to the past and second-guessing myself. That kind of thinking will never bring me to a place of peace, happiness, or productivity. I know that looking backward has been one of the sources of my long states of depression. The chemistry in my brain is only one part of the equation.

My truth is also that I have long struggled to find my identity. First, it was entangled in work. More recently, it has become encumbered in my status as a woman with a mental illness. Occasionally, it stretches out into my “mother” label.

I don’t resent being a mother and I don’t even resent being a mentally ill person anymore. I recognize that those are aspects of my identity. But I long for my complete identity to be something larger than those two aspects of my life.

It’s time to revise the mission statement I wrote in a personal development class a couple of years ago. It was relevant to me at the time and a powerful statement to those around me, based on the feedback I received. However, it is a statement of “I am my illness and my goals are scattered,” which, of course, was true at the time. On the fly, I decided to write what became a statement of being and purpose this afternoon, rather than a mission statement:

“I am a creative solutions facilitator and a steward of authenticity. As a positive force for change in this world, my field of work is the growth of maximized potential in peace and love. My gift is my creative voice, which takes on a variety of forms. My current project includes the lesson of learning to foster and grow holistic, healthy relationships based in love and trust. I invite dialogues to which I can contribute productive inspiration to any number of issues.”

It’s a fancy way of leaving room to acknowledge that I’m working on personal growth issues at the moment but that I also invite paid consulting gigs. And that last sentence is a euphemism for the fact that I know that I’m sick but I want a job anyway.

There. I feel better. Back to my reading…

Perfectionism is Overrated

May 1, 2013 by Caroline E. Price

This picture of Liam always, always cheers me up. I should have looked at it before this morning, as this weekend and Monday weren’t particularly good. And if I’m completely honest, it’s been a long time since I’ve been happy. I’m not talking about not depressed, I’m talking about true contentment.

I don’t really want to talk a lot about it here, but I know I can only fix myself. And to that end, I’m getting confirmation today that my meds are right and I’ve made an appointment with a new therapist. I’m feeling relatively healthy and I’m not even all that depressed. I’m taking my medications as prescribed. And, I’m learning to pinpoint the difference between clinical depression and just plain unhappiness within myself.

All of that having been said, I know it’s up to me to fix this lazy mess that has become me. I got a new yoga mat yesterday and I intend for that mat to be my safe haven within my house, my place where I work out my frustrations. I’ve got 40+ pounds to work off and a back that works against me working my core at every turn. And a picky diet that I often make poor choices even within the confines of what i will eat. Plus, I’ve been thinking more and more that my medicine– the Abilify, at least– is probably raising my blood sugar in addition to my awful diet. So…there’s lots to do with working on this mess that’s me. Growth is a lifelong process.

But, I know that happiness can be found within that growth. Moreover, it has to be sought within that growth because that’s the only way happiness will happen. I’m not afraid anymore to seek that happiness and I refuse to continue to be a stagnating person. I can only look to myself for that happiness and I know it now. Nobody else can make me be a happy person. I’m done pointing fingers.

So, here’s to working on a less crabby Caroline…

There’s lots to work on toward becoming happier. The perfectionist within me has higher standards than are necessary, I know. But all I can do is work on my part and trust that the rest will work itself out.

Photography (and Writing) as Medicine

April 24, 2013 by Caroline E. Price

Dewey Sunrise

I’m getting to the point where I re-use images all the time just because 1) I refuse to pull images that are not my own and 2) my photo inspiration has not been great. Waiting for inspiration is bad news, though, because I know part of my care plan from my psychiatrist involves my art. The photos I really like only come along every 100 photos or so. I’m impatient and picky. What else is new? I can’t let lack of inspiration stop me from taking shots, though. My health depends on it

We get the results back from Jared’s CT scan in a few minutes. I zoned out all afternoon yesterday, being so nervous about it. I’m just worried about him, naturally.

As for the zoning out… I’ve got to work in behavior modification in taking care of myself, because that just can’t happen, ever. There’s really no excuse since I have tons of coping mechanisms on which to fall back. I’ve been on medication long enough to know that they only work on the chemical end, that it takes conscious effort on my part as well, for total health. And, as my doctor says, that’s where the creativity comes into play. Specifically, the creativity sparked from my photos are what are making things better, according to my doctor, anyway. Though, he looked like his eyes were about to pop out last visit when I told him I had a blog at my last visit. It hadn’t occurred to me before that he might not know that I write, too. After 5 years of being his patient, you’d think the fact that I write nearly constantly would have come up in conversation at some time or other. Guess not. I mean, my therapist has known for a long time that I write and she’s all for it. The writing feels more cathartic than the photo-taking… a subject for another visit, at any rate.

Speaking of medication, I’ve been off my Lithium now for two weeks. Not an intentional thing on my part; my doctor didn’t give me a new prescription for it at my last visit. I’m guessing he meant to take me off it; I don’t know. We don’t really discuss my medications anymore…we talk about art. I didn’t look at the prescription when he handed it to me and it only had my Abilify on it. But that’s part of the reason I’m so eager to work on the behavior modification aspect of my treatment, because I want to lean more heavily on it than I do my medication. I was on 4 medications this time last year; now I’m down to 2. It would be wonderful to get down to 1 medicine, for maintenance purposes. I told him about forgetting my antidepressant when I we went to St. Simons and I believe he would have been okay with me stopping it totally if I hadn’t had a bad couple of days when we got back from our trip. He said something about me proving again that I need my medicines. Oh well. I don’t ever expect to be completely medication free, though my doctor has said before that the ideal would be for my photography to be my real medicine. I don’t think he actually meant in practice though. He’s said before that his goal for me is to get me down to the Abilify only, on a lower dose. I’m SO close to that goal that I can taste it. I desperately want that goal.

The best part is that I’m sleeping better this week. I am taking melatonin for sleep at night at my doctor’s recommendation and I can tell a big difference in my relaxation level on the nights that I take it. I am not nearly as paranoid when I wake up in the middle of the night, which I still do on occasion. I feel a lot more rested, too. I’m okay with taking something over-the-counter if it helps me sleep at night.

This post has been all about medicine and believe it or not, I was at one time one of those folks who was terrified of taking something that might alter my personality, something for my mood disorder. I used to think they wouldn’t help. I wasn’t always a willing patient. For that matter, I wasn’t in treatment at all for my illness for over 10 years. I wasn’t given a choice, though, when I was hospitalized, and I’ve found since that I’m a happier person because of my journey through medication therapy. I’ve tried 14 different medications in the last 5 years and I know for a fact now that medication doesn’t change who I am. The right medication therapy helps me be who I am authentically without the junk that is my illness crowding up my brain space. I don’t even feel my medications at all since I’ve found the right combinations and dosages. And though my illness is crippling at times, I still hold out hope that I can recover enough to be on 1 medication– some sort of anti-psychotic, whether it remains Abilify or not– at a relatively low dose, with the help of my creative endeavors, other behavior mods, and continued therapy. Because of the 6 psychotic episodes I’ve had, I know that they won’t let me go off an anti-psychotic; I know I need it for preventative purposes. And I’m finally okay with that state of things.

No More

April 12, 2013 by Caroline E. Price Leave a Comment

Precious boys…I’ve been blessed with two of them.

I should be grateful, and I am…I know many women who have desperately wanted, and (or maybe, worse) lost babies. I’ve been blessed with two healthy ones. I should be grateful and leave it at that.

And I am grateful:

1) I’m grateful that Porter and Liam both continue to thrive despite their early arrivals. There’s plenty to be thankful for that they’re both here, even.

2) I’m grateful to have recovered from postpartum psychosis.

3) I’m grateful to have had a husband who supports me and continues to care for all of us.

I should leave it at that.

But, I’m human, not perfect.

Every once in a while, just every once in a while, I want another baby. I know, I know, I know. I know I have enough on my plate without taking on more responsibility. I know we can’t afford it. I know my health really won’t tolerate it. There are a thousand reasons that we have already made the decision that there will be no more babies in this family. Life is so much less stressful now that no one in this house is in diapers.

But… *sigh*

I love my boys. All three of them. For their sakes, I will let go of this crazy longing. There will be no more babies in this family. Two was enough. I am lucky enough to have two.

I should be grateful for that. And I am.

So, I will concentrate on having more good days than bad ones, so that I can be a better mom and wife. That’s all anyone really asks of me anymore and it’s the least I can do. This will be a good weekend, not a weekend filled with longing or laying in the bed, depressed.

There were lots of bad days this week surrounding this issue of wanting another baby. I’m not over it, but I’ll get there.

Besides, it’s not so much that I want another baby for baby’s sake. It’s that I so desperately wanted a little girl. That would be absolutely the wrong reason to be trying for another baby in this household. I know it and somehow, knowing it makes this all a little easier. And besides, God was looking out for my personality when He gave me boys. I’m better with boys, I think.

There will be no more. One day, I will be glad for it.