I posted this picture of Liam because it always cheers me up and I can use all the positive energy I can create at the moment. My little dip into the past in writing the last post was destined to stir a variety of emotions. I knew it when I was writing that piece.
I’m grateful for that stir of emotions because it has spurred me into action. I will not play the victim anymore. It doesn’t create the peace I crave and it doesn’t create, well, anything good.
I’ve spent the much of the last twenty-four hours reading a lot and I’m only really just getting started. I’m determined to move into a state of looking forward with productive goals which will serve me well, rather than looking to the past with regret and shame and fear-creation.
My truth has been that I’ve spent most of my life looking backward in time to the past and second-guessing myself. That kind of thinking will never bring me to a place of peace, happiness, or productivity. I know that looking backward has been one of the sources of my long states of depression. The chemistry in my brain is only one part of the equation.
My truth is also that I have long struggled to find my identity. First, it was entangled in work. More recently, it has become encumbered in my status as a woman with a mental illness. Occasionally, it stretches out into my “mother” label.
I don’t resent being a mother and I don’t even resent being a mentally ill person anymore. I recognize that those are aspects of my identity. But I long for my complete identity to be something larger than those two aspects of my life.
It’s time to revise the mission statement I wrote in a personal development class a couple of years ago. It was relevant to me at the time and a powerful statement to those around me, based on the feedback I received. However, it is a statement of “I am my illness and my goals are scattered,” which, of course, was true at the time. On the fly, I decided to write what became a statement of being and purpose this afternoon, rather than a mission statement:
“I am a creative solutions facilitator and a steward of authenticity. As a positive force for change in this world, my field of work is the growth of maximized potential in peace and love. My gift is my creative voice, which takes on a variety of forms. My current project includes the lesson of learning to foster and grow holistic, healthy relationships based in love and trust. I invite dialogues to which I can contribute productive inspiration to any number of issues.”
It’s a fancy way of leaving room to acknowledge that I’m working on personal growth issues at the moment but that I also invite paid consulting gigs. And that last sentence is a euphemism for the fact that I know that I’m sick but I want a job anyway.
There. I feel better. Back to my reading…