Precious boys…I’ve been blessed with two of them.
I should be grateful, and I am…I know many women who have desperately wanted, and (or maybe, worse) lost babies. I’ve been blessed with two healthy ones. I should be grateful and leave it at that.
And I am grateful:
1) I’m grateful that Porter and Liam both continue to thrive despite their early arrivals. There’s plenty to be thankful for that they’re both here, even.
2) I’m grateful to have recovered from postpartum psychosis.
3) I’m grateful to have had a husband who supports me and continues to care for all of us.
I should leave it at that.
But, I’m human, not perfect.
Every once in a while, just every once in a while, I want another baby. I know, I know, I know. I know I have enough on my plate without taking on more responsibility. I know we can’t afford it. I know my health really won’t tolerate it. There are a thousand reasons that we have already made the decision that there will be no more babies in this family. Life is so much less stressful now that no one in this house is in diapers.
I love my boys. All three of them. For their sakes, I will let go of this crazy longing. There will be no more babies in this family. Two was enough. I am lucky enough to have two.
I should be grateful for that. And I am.
So, I will concentrate on having more good days than bad ones, so that I can be a better mom and wife. That’s all anyone really asks of me anymore and it’s the least I can do. This will be a good weekend, not a weekend filled with longing or laying in the bed, depressed.
There were lots of bad days this week surrounding this issue of wanting another baby. I’m not over it, but I’ll get there.
Besides, it’s not so much that I want another baby for baby’s sake. It’s that I so desperately wanted a little girl. That would be absolutely the wrong reason to be trying for another baby in this household. I know it and somehow, knowing it makes this all a little easier. And besides, God was looking out for my personality when He gave me boys. I’m better with boys, I think.
There will be no more. One day, I will be glad for it.