There’s no water at our house this morning because of a main break a couple of streets down. It means no baths, no dishwashing, and no laundry. So for once, i can guiltlessly lounge around the house.
Jared is up to his old thoughts again, thinking about going to seminary. He seems a little more serious about it this time though. I know he’d be great, but selfishly I have mixed emotions. I mean, he’s already gotten one advanced degree. And it would mean we’d be destitute (even more than we already are) for three whole years. And then, it would likely mean moving away somewhere when he’s done with school.
I admitted to myself in group therapy, though, that I’m jealous. Once upon a time, before the big breakdowns, I thought I might like to be a hospital chaplain. So I was mopey all afternoon yesterday, remember that dream that will never be realized.
Then I got to thinking seriously about the things I really, really enjoy now. I love going to church, but I do have difficulty staying committed and involved in any projects there. I love crocheting, but that doesn’t require any schooling and I’m aching to go to school (and what’s more, my psychiatrist has advised it). So what else is there that I do that I love?
Photography. I adore my photography.
I don’t want an MFA because I was advised last summer that it’s not necessary unless i want to teach. But I do want to learn a little bit more about the fundamentals than I can learn in continuing education classes. So that leaves…a second bachelor’s degree. A second bachelor’s degree! It seems silly when I first say it, but the more I’ve tossed it around in my head, the more sense it makes.
I was also advised last summer when I took my continuing ed. class that Georgia State’s art department is awesome. That’s fantabulous news since I love my alma mater dearly. It would be awesome to be a student there again.
With all these thoughts swirling around in my head, I made a couple of phone calls yesterday, one to the art department and one to admissions. Each confirmed that what I wanted to do was not only possible, but that they see people coming back like this all the time.
So, I submitted an application yesterday afternoon.
I’m finding it hard to be optimistic this morning, though. Jared wants to go to school too and that will cost money. We already don’t really have the money for him to go to school. So how in the world will we afford tuition for me?
I don’t have the answer to that one. There is a scholarship out there for people with mental disabilities, but you have to be involved in community reintegration already in order to receive it. I’ll keep looking, but I don’t match the criteria for any other scholarships I’ve found thus far.
I’m also not willing to make Jared wait four to five more years, the time it will take me to finish my degree, before he goes to school. He’s already waited long enough and I don’t think I could stand the strain it would put on our marriage, to make him wait longer.
So that’s where I am today. In the bed, depressed and bored, with little faith that I will find my place in this world.
But it doesn’t hurt to dream, I suppose.
